Day 2 - Speechless

Finding my way. 

I’ve become more aware of my thoughts as they appear.  My thoughts are currently being routed through a couple of levels of ego filter security (EFS).  When a thought enters my mind at the first level it is asking for permission to speak.  If it is allowed and not dismissed it continues to the second level in the process the (dis)mental phase.   This is where I pick apart the thought and determine its true intention. This process takes just seconds but I am totally aware of the varying stages my thought goes through before it appears in spoken word.  This might seem like an arduous process but it is making me more aware of my true intentions and permits me to let go of all expectations and control. 

Not surprisingly, today I actually paused so much before speaking that I was silent pretty much most of the day.  Many times over the course of the day I dismissed so many thoughts opting to say nothing. 

Finding balance. 

We interviewed a young article student today.  I prepared myself and was very careful in how I approached the meeting.   I wanted to ensure my intent was to listen to the student with an open mind.  I also wanted to really be objective and offer the best feedback that would serve her needs as a student as well as the needs of the firm. Before each question I filtered my thoughts being careful to not control the process and allowing it to flow freely.  At the end of the interview I was pleased with the results. 

Being mindful of every thought is difficult and there were times I just wanted to blurt out something, but I bit my tongue.  Someone give me a medal or something!  

Day 1 - Silence is Golden

You might ask, why I am doing this, or maybe not.  This came about because someone close to me said in frustration that I was always critiquing him.  And, as I reviewed our conversation in my head I concluded that I was wrong and he was right.  Whoa! This is a big realization to come to because anyone who knows me, will tell you I am always right  always considerate.  I digress.

He said you even criticized how I eat, "it seems I can't even eat right"!  In selfdefense, really he can't, in my opinion. He unconsciously shoves food into his mouth even when there is still food bulging out his cheeks. And I felt compelled to bring his attention to the moment, thinking I was doing a good thing.  See what I mean, day one and I am still defending my actions.  Still wanting to be right.

I realized that my actions were based on being right and about control (my control). And it follows that if I am right, then someone must be wrong. My relationship with the world was that I was always right, and maybe for the most part I was tried to be, but at who's expense? Deep breath! Sigh! Deep breath!

People have to come to self awareness on their own terms and at their own pace.  True self growth is an internal process and an individual journey.

I have no doubt it is going to be really difficult to hold my tongue because my ego is going to have some serious problems with this new me. I'm up for the challenge, so step aside ego. Yip, going forward I release my need to be right.  Easier said than done.

Within moments of making this challenge I find myself in a quandary. I find myself wanting to say things, give opinions, nag a little, but then I stopped myself. I am biting my tongue and it hurts. Will I even have a tongue left at the end of 2011!!!

Today Jehovah Witness came to my door. I knew who they were as soon as I saw them get out of their car and walk up the path to the door. Okay, I said to myself this will be good practice. I smile and let them say what they came to say all the while pushing aside the screaming voice inside my head. I smile. He said he wanted to tell me about the book of truth. The young man asks if he could come in to chat over tea. I smiled, clearly at this point I am having a struggle with myself as the dialogue in my head is really getting out of control. No, I am not interested, I say softly to him. He smiles. Then I say, I'm sure you have a lot to offer and know you the truth of your bible well. He gives me a pamphlet, smiles, and leaves. I wave at them as they drove away. Big sigh!

I am really proud of myself today. The old me would have enjoyed a dialogue and discussion about his truth. But who is to say that my truth is anymore valid?

It is clear that I must work on my internal dialogue there is way too much going on up there.  Talking in my head and no words passing my lips.  Awww, silence is golden I can hear them saying.  I can see this is going to be a long and bitter battle.