Who asked Me (day 214)

I admit there are times that it is difficult not to say anything. You know, the times when know you shouldn’t say anything, and yet, you find your lips moving and sounds coming from them. 

I make every effort to keep my lips sealed together especially when I have an urge to say something about something that may come across as lecturing or as a Ms.-know-it-all. But, my efforts are easily shoved aside as my mind convinces me that if I don’t say anything the world will fall off its rotation!  And the world, as I know it, would cease to exist. Why is it that I think what I have to say is so damn important? Okay, that is a rhetorical question so please don’t answer it.

It’s bad enough that my lips think they are the boss of me, and with little regard for consequences. If the person I am lecturing speaking with appears not to be getting my message, I will restate it. Sometimes, even stating it more emphatically. At the end of the day, someone will leave the conversation abruptly, and the other will be left empty.  Darn me anyway, why didn’t I get their message, which is no advice is required from me.  Not a word!

Back to the drawing board, creating silence, again.

The Right Words (Day 150)

A couple of weeks ago a good friend died. Death is a reality most of us, if lucky, don’t have to experience until later in life. We have no control over how we are going to respond when someone close dies. The emotional roller coaster is unpredictable as emotions erupt to the surface intermittently.

During the four days when my friend was in a coma, I was paying particular attention to my thoughts, feelings and language. The news came just as I was getting ready to visit her. “She is gone,” I was told, then I wept. Earlier that day I was able to say good-bye to her, but I thought I’d have more time with her that evening.

I realized that I don’t like hearing “passed away” or “moved on” or even “in a better place”. If we just said that a person died, would it really change how we reacted? Does softening the language to saying ‘passed away’, “gone” really make it easier to accept? yet, as I spoke to individuals after her death, I found that I was using those same words and never once used the word dead, death, or died.

Words are powerful. But, if the words mean the same thing why is it the emotion they trigger is different depending on the delivery?

Good intentioned people come up to me and softly say, “sorry for the passing of your friend”. I want to shout back, she didn’t just pass, she died. No longer a person. I will never hear the sound of her voice, or feel her hugs. But I bite my tongue and graciously accept their condolences.

The word “passing” sounds like a flexible word; that maybe she could “pass” back this way. As though it is not concrete. Word play.

However, my brother who is also a Buddhist was the one person who I could talk to about my friend’s death in plain language. I found that by speaking plainly, using the right words about her death with him actually helped me process my grief.

Interestingly, I also had a great conversation with her widower. He spoke about how he felt immediately after she took her last breath. He said her body was empty. He leaned over her and gently closed her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. He said his relationship with her changed; she was no longer his wife, he was now the caretaker of her body.

 His last words, good-bye...My wife, My life, touched me deeply.

Do you Know me? (Day 122)

❤To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." unknown ❤

Recently while shopping with my son for groceries, he suddenly said, “I see Olive.”  Olive was the former owner of a Montessori school he attended eight years ago.  He was five when he graduated from the program to go onto grade one and now he is completing eighth grade.  I looked in the direction he indicated and saw a woman standing near the produce section. 

I thought to myself, yes, she does resemble Olive but there was something different about her.  She was slighter, her hair was longer, and it looked as though it was long overdue for a hair appointment.  I observed her silently for a few moments.  The Olive I remember was always perfectly groomed which this lady was not.  

Before I knew it she came almost to where we were standing, making it difficult to ignore her.  I smiled and said hi.   Looking somewhat befuddled she returned my smile.  I pointed to my son and said to her, I imagined he looks nothing like you remember him.   She agreed.  Stating that she just saw a lady a few minutes ago that she recognized but couldn’t put a name to her face.  Then she said if my son was not with me she might not have recognized me.  I told her it was my son who recognized her earlier. She replied, that children recognize adults readily because to them adults don’t change much, but to adults the transformation in the children is so much greater.  I totally agree.

Our brief conversation was mostly filled with banal chitchat. I watched her a few moments more after we went our separate ways; she seemed to be aimlessly wondering around the store, her hands, empty of any food.
 

She occupied my mind for a few days after our encounter.  I replayed our meeting in my mind, and I am certain she is in the early stages of some type of dementia.  I could be wrong, but the signs in retrospect seem quite clear. This is one time I wish I had said more.  I wished that I gotten confirmation that she really recognized us.   I wished, I asked her if she needed help, if she was looking for anything in particular.  I wished that I really listened to her; I wish I knew if she really heard me. I think surely there are times when biting my tongue is not the correct thing to do.      

In situations where someone I feel could be experiencing some form of memory loss, I don’t say anything.  Perhaps, it is fear that stops me from knowing. Other times when it is obvious that there is some memory loss occurring, I most certainly don’t say anything.  Call me chicken.


Once I was told an old friend, a priest I knew from my childhood was in advance stage of dementia.  My response to the news was it didn’t matter to me if when I saw him if he didn’t remember me because I had enough memory for the both of us.  Our last visit is one I will always hold close to my heart.  


At times, words are not necessary because they tend to get in the way of really hearing what's going on. 

The glass half full kinda gal! (Day 107)

When it rains, it does not rain on me.  It rains. The rain has no ulterior motive to ruin my day or to inconvenience me in the least.   It is just doing its thing. Raining, it’s not personal!  

I am really listening to what people are saying, and in this process I’ve noticed tone and patterns.  For example, recently, I noticed that a particular person always begins our conversations with “I hate …” I’ve tried saying; you don’t really mean you hate (blank).  Hate is such a strong emotional word.  Or, do you really hate turkey, flying, holidays, receiving books as gifts, cut flowers, your mom, and the word squishy?    Yip, I hate all those things is the response.  My reply to this is what would happen if you were starting to say “I hate” but you instead changed it to “I love”.   A nervous laugh, but I get no answer.  Hmmm. 

If I tried to think of a list of things I hate, I come up empty.  There is nothing I hate.  For sure, there are some things that annoy me, but nothing that I would describe as strongly as hate.  I am vegetarian, but I don’t hate meat.  I’m afraid of spiders, but I don’t hate them.  In fact, I am learning to co-exist with them. 

Words open the doorway to our emotional state.  How one expresses one's self creates an emotional blanket that engulfs the spirit and sets the tone on how one feels in that moment.  If you knew that the story of your life in spoken form tells a lot about who you are, would you change how you express yourself? 


For me, the glass is half full.  If it is cloudy, I know the sun still shines and this warms my heart.    

Without Rose Colored Filters (Day 98)

A world without filters could be interesting. Although, I admit maybe it would create some chaos. The filter I’m referring to is speaking what is on ones' mind without filtering it against what is politically correct. I see myself as conservative when it comes to how I express myself. Most of the time, I carefully craft my speech to protect people’s feelings. At the sametime, I make an attempt to say what everyone is thinking but too afraid to say. Of course taking care to put it in a good way as to not offend anyone. If I knew how to say what I really wanted to say without filters, I think, it would be an interesting and fun experience. (fun for me, just to be a littel bad)  I'm only suggesting I try it for a short while like an hour or so.  Realistically, I think I'll never get the nerve to do it.  But it is a fun exercise to toy with.

Hmmm. What would that look like?

For example, it might look like this... when I recently ordered food for take out, I asked if they had a particular vegetarian dish. The lady responded, yes, we do but it is extra. I replied, with a smile, yes I knew it would be extra and would love to have it included with my order if you have it. What I really wanted to say is “It’s extra? Why that’s absurd? If it’s not free then don’t include it with my order.” Duh! Of course it’s going to be extra, I wouldn’t expect it to be otherwise.

Or like this...I ran into an acquaintance with their baby. Yeah, you know what’s coming. I stopped, we chatted, and they introduced me to their little baby. I said, what a sweet baby. What I really wanted to say is “Wow, not all babies are cute huh?” You can’t tell me you’ve not run into someone who had an ugly baby! I’ve seen this baby recently, and what a cutie pie!!!!

Or maybe this...I know someone who in the past year, works out daily and does not eat anything substantial. Yep, no change, still fat! I would really like to have a conversation that starts, “Boy you are dedicated and have real will power. But tell me honestly, are you cheating and actually going somewhere else other than working out, like McDonalds?”

But I don’t. I bite my tongue, but Mrs. Brown doesn't!

Better to not eat that Chicken! Day 68

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Recently, in preparation to change my diet and become healthier I decided to get my wet and dry blood analyzed.  http://www.communication-house.com/

It was an adventure I won’t soon forget. The technician I saw, (not the one in the above link) lived about a forty five minutes out of the city.    She emailed me directions because her location didn’t show up on the GPS.   Of course, being that I decided to take a secondary road instead of the main highway, thinking I could get my bearings once I got into town, I got lost.  Well, not hopelessly lost, because I knew where I was, I just could not find her road. 

I called her, and told her where I was, to which she said I should go back to the main highway and cross over the bridge, and then she repeated the directions she sent by email.  Following her directions, I discovered there were actually three bridges.  About thirty minutes later, I reached her home.  Hungry and thirsty because I had to fast before seeing her.  

And somewhat testy, I said, I guess you know I had trouble finding you; maybe it would have been better if you gave me some landscape identifications because there are three bridges that cross over the main highway.  She responded by saying, “It would have been more confusing to do that.”  Huh?  I wanted to say how would identifying the huge mall where I should turn left be misunderstood? But, I said nothing.   

After she pricked my finger to draw the drop of blood neeeded, she asked if I ate meat.  I said, I don’t eat mammals but I do eat chicken occasionally.   Then she said, eyes really wide and in a whisper, almost like it was top secret, “Did you know that chickens don’t have a urinary track?”  That’s interesting I replied.   She continues, “ That is why their breast are considerable bigger than the rest of thier body!”  Implying that the urine is stored there! 

I just bite my tongue, sometimes I just want to say "That is crap!"  Thankfully, my blood analysis is being done by another lab.  And the results were very interesting, but I shall leave it for another blog.  

Hear my Words! Day 25 – 64

In the past 39 days I’ve been talking, listening and biting my tongue, but not necessarily in that order. The biggest obstacle for me is to stop and breath before speaking. Sometimes, emotions tend to ignite the tongue and I end up saying something that is judgmental.

However, sometimes my words are misunderstood. When this happens, more often than not the person I am talking with will hear what I am saying with a negative connotation.

The misunderstandings doesn’t seem to be taken in a positive way, why is that? In fact, I never hear anyone say to me, “Are you saying that I’m a really great (fill in the blank)!” or “Are you saying I did a really great job on that project!” When an upset occurs it is normally because the person I am talking to “hears” what I am saying as being critical, unsupportive, and or accusatory. This is not restricted to the spoken word. Sometimes even my emails are misconstrued. It is frustrating to say the least.

Most people won’t come out and say how they are “hearing” what I’m saying. I have look for clues in their behavior. If they appear upset, quite, or dismissive, I know something is wrong. If I want to end the conflict I have to ask, “what is the matter, are you upset?” “Was it something I said?”

Often, what I say is nothing more than exactly what I mean. If I say, you left the juice out on the counter last night. It does not mean, you are careless, wasteful, absentminded. It just means you left the juice on the counter last night. There is no covert underling meaning that is meant to attack, hurt or ridicule.

Day 17-25 Sense and Responsibility

Almost a month since I began this challenge and maybe I am a bit quieter, but I admit I’m no wiser than when I began.  Sure, I’ve become more aware of my inner dialogue. And it has been a royal pain in the and is being extremely difficult to restrain.  Try as I might, my internal dialogue continues the pressure until what I’m holding back comes spilling out as if my life depended on it. 

It’s like it has a mind of it’s own, and henceforth shall be known as Madame Biaz.  I debated on if I should name it, lest someone think I've flipped my lid.  But she hungers to be heard even if others may not appreciate nor want her wisdom.   Her, wisdom what nonsense!  Describing my inner dialogue as wisdom is just another way of validating what I want to say and making me “right”.   

However, I can't help it because I’ve been cursed with being too clever for my own good, and as such, I have a responsibility to help mankind.  Don't I?  This brings me to my problem.  In this challenge am I to silence Madame Biaz knowing what she knows?   She is after all pretty smart.  That is a rhetorical question; indeed I shall silence her and her opinions.  …Unless someone asked for it, then I would be obligated to respond.   

How smart? Thanks for asking. It is because I can see the whole picture, and therefore can follow an action’s trajectory and know how it is going to conclude.  Moreover, I am able to quickly identify the variables in play and which ones will be chosen and the consequence of that action.  Before taking this challenge I thought this personality trait was a positive attribution.  But now I’m not so certain.  It is better known as being opinionated, bossy, and yes, biased.  

On a positive note, I’ve noticed that I am really listening to people.  I mean really being present.  And in spite of Madame Biaz, I am learning more often than not, to stop myself before uttering my opinions.  

Day 12–16 Yes, but…

I am more conscientious about how I communicate and becoming increasingly more present when having conversations. However, I still discover that I continue to interject as others are speaking. I find myself saying, yes, but… and as they continue to speak, I say, but, but… trying to get a word in. I catch myself, stop, and, listen. It works the other way too. I am more aware when people interrupt me. No doubt about it, being a good communicator is tough work.

Really, it is. I challenge you to take two hours to observe your conversations. Pay particular attention to your inner dialogue. What are you thinking just before you speak, during communication and after the conversation is over? How often did you interrupt? Which people did you interrupt more often? Do you feel that you had a meaningful dialogue? How do you feel after doing this exercise?

Communication is like a tango, it takes two. It has rhythm, a flow that allows the communication to easily bounce back and forth from the listener to the speaker. Both should come away from the conversation feeling satisfied that they provided the space to be understood and have been heard with very minium toe stepping.  Or at least, if you do step on the on someone's toes, you're aware of it.

Days 4-11 Blah, Blah, Blah!

My intent is to write everyday.  But things don’t always go as planned, even well intentioned ones. 

Nonetheless, over the course of the last couple of weeks I continue to observe my speech and the impact they have on others.  After all we all know how powerful words can be.

Changes in me are slow in coming but internally I feel the shift.  Gradually the more aware I become of my own behavior I notice that there is a distinction between how I relate to strangers and people I am closely related to.   

Specifically, how I choose to relate to people I love, like family, is different than how I generally relate to others is more evident now that I've become more aware of my behavior.  I'm afraid to admit, this difference is not necessarily a good one.  I know this how, you might ask?  It is that damn automatic inner dialogue that is always prejudging people (family), in the background of my mind. 

Because I am aware of this background conversation it is even more incumbent upon me to try harder to be a good listener.   Most of my communication with others often begins with really listening to what they have to say, and giving them that bit of space before I speak.  I listen not just to their words but also to the feelings behind the words. 

On the surface it sounds pretty easy to do… in reality it is much more difficult.  The difficulty arises because I think I am right most of the time.   Like for example, if my son is saying something to me, I am waiting for him to finish so I can tell him how it really is.   So in effect I am not really listening to him because I’ve already planned my response before he has said what he wanted to say.  This scenario also can apply to my husband, sisters, brothers and anyone I am close to. In my head I am, blah, blah, blah… ok, you finished yet???

On one hand, I may look like I am attentively listening but sometimes I am not.  Although, as soon as I become aware that this is what I am doing, I take a deep breath.  This clears my mind and as I exhale, I silently say I am here for you darling.  Becoming aware of who I am and who I want to be is the first step in the process.  By the looks of things, I just might be spending some time in this first stage.   No worries, it is not a race and it's going to take the time it takes.   

Day 3 - Good or Bad

This challenge is more difficult than I imagined. The analogy that best describes it is going on a diet or fast. When you first begin a diet all you think about is food. In this challenge all I think about is nagging, judging, and simply finding fault in everything in my world. What’s up with that???

Yesterday I was in a store and as I waited in line I observed a lady at the cash counter. Immediately, I began to judge her just by the way she was dressed. She looked like she was used to getting her way. How do I know this, you ask? By observing her manner I could tell she was all about business. Talk about judgmental, huh.

The clerk said to her, I can’t help you with this return. You have to go to customer service. She said, yes. But, can I return this here? I thought, what, she didn’t hear him? Then, she continues, it is just one item. He again responds, no you must go to customer service. Meanwhile the line up is getting longer. She persists one more time, even if I have the receipt? OMG! I wanted to ask her what part she didn’t understand.

After I took a couple of deep breaths (not loudly) I turned around my thinking about her. She must have decide to try to convince the clerk to take back her items rather than go to another long line up. She is entitled, isn’t she? The stores are crazy this time of the year and you can't blame a girl for trying.

You can make any experience a positive one or a negative one. It is all in how you relate to that event. Exploding tantrums (in my head) aside, on the whole a pretty great day.