Day 17-25 Sense and Responsibility

Almost a month since I began this challenge and maybe I am a bit quieter, but I admit I’m no wiser than when I began.  Sure, I’ve become more aware of my inner dialogue. And it has been a royal pain in the and is being extremely difficult to restrain.  Try as I might, my internal dialogue continues the pressure until what I’m holding back comes spilling out as if my life depended on it. 

It’s like it has a mind of it’s own, and henceforth shall be known as Madame Biaz.  I debated on if I should name it, lest someone think I've flipped my lid.  But she hungers to be heard even if others may not appreciate nor want her wisdom.   Her, wisdom what nonsense!  Describing my inner dialogue as wisdom is just another way of validating what I want to say and making me “right”.   

However, I can't help it because I’ve been cursed with being too clever for my own good, and as such, I have a responsibility to help mankind.  Don't I?  This brings me to my problem.  In this challenge am I to silence Madame Biaz knowing what she knows?   She is after all pretty smart.  That is a rhetorical question; indeed I shall silence her and her opinions.  …Unless someone asked for it, then I would be obligated to respond.   

How smart? Thanks for asking. It is because I can see the whole picture, and therefore can follow an action’s trajectory and know how it is going to conclude.  Moreover, I am able to quickly identify the variables in play and which ones will be chosen and the consequence of that action.  Before taking this challenge I thought this personality trait was a positive attribution.  But now I’m not so certain.  It is better known as being opinionated, bossy, and yes, biased.  

On a positive note, I’ve noticed that I am really listening to people.  I mean really being present.  And in spite of Madame Biaz, I am learning more often than not, to stop myself before uttering my opinions.  

Day 12–16 Yes, but…

I am more conscientious about how I communicate and becoming increasingly more present when having conversations. However, I still discover that I continue to interject as others are speaking. I find myself saying, yes, but… and as they continue to speak, I say, but, but… trying to get a word in. I catch myself, stop, and, listen. It works the other way too. I am more aware when people interrupt me. No doubt about it, being a good communicator is tough work.

Really, it is. I challenge you to take two hours to observe your conversations. Pay particular attention to your inner dialogue. What are you thinking just before you speak, during communication and after the conversation is over? How often did you interrupt? Which people did you interrupt more often? Do you feel that you had a meaningful dialogue? How do you feel after doing this exercise?

Communication is like a tango, it takes two. It has rhythm, a flow that allows the communication to easily bounce back and forth from the listener to the speaker. Both should come away from the conversation feeling satisfied that they provided the space to be understood and have been heard with very minium toe stepping.  Or at least, if you do step on the on someone's toes, you're aware of it.

Days 4-11 Blah, Blah, Blah!

My intent is to write everyday.  But things don’t always go as planned, even well intentioned ones. 

Nonetheless, over the course of the last couple of weeks I continue to observe my speech and the impact they have on others.  After all we all know how powerful words can be.

Changes in me are slow in coming but internally I feel the shift.  Gradually the more aware I become of my own behavior I notice that there is a distinction between how I relate to strangers and people I am closely related to.   

Specifically, how I choose to relate to people I love, like family, is different than how I generally relate to others is more evident now that I've become more aware of my behavior.  I'm afraid to admit, this difference is not necessarily a good one.  I know this how, you might ask?  It is that damn automatic inner dialogue that is always prejudging people (family), in the background of my mind. 

Because I am aware of this background conversation it is even more incumbent upon me to try harder to be a good listener.   Most of my communication with others often begins with really listening to what they have to say, and giving them that bit of space before I speak.  I listen not just to their words but also to the feelings behind the words. 

On the surface it sounds pretty easy to do… in reality it is much more difficult.  The difficulty arises because I think I am right most of the time.   Like for example, if my son is saying something to me, I am waiting for him to finish so I can tell him how it really is.   So in effect I am not really listening to him because I’ve already planned my response before he has said what he wanted to say.  This scenario also can apply to my husband, sisters, brothers and anyone I am close to. In my head I am, blah, blah, blah… ok, you finished yet???

On one hand, I may look like I am attentively listening but sometimes I am not.  Although, as soon as I become aware that this is what I am doing, I take a deep breath.  This clears my mind and as I exhale, I silently say I am here for you darling.  Becoming aware of who I am and who I want to be is the first step in the process.  By the looks of things, I just might be spending some time in this first stage.   No worries, it is not a race and it's going to take the time it takes.   

Day 3 - Good or Bad

This challenge is more difficult than I imagined. The analogy that best describes it is going on a diet or fast. When you first begin a diet all you think about is food. In this challenge all I think about is nagging, judging, and simply finding fault in everything in my world. What’s up with that???

Yesterday I was in a store and as I waited in line I observed a lady at the cash counter. Immediately, I began to judge her just by the way she was dressed. She looked like she was used to getting her way. How do I know this, you ask? By observing her manner I could tell she was all about business. Talk about judgmental, huh.

The clerk said to her, I can’t help you with this return. You have to go to customer service. She said, yes. But, can I return this here? I thought, what, she didn’t hear him? Then, she continues, it is just one item. He again responds, no you must go to customer service. Meanwhile the line up is getting longer. She persists one more time, even if I have the receipt? OMG! I wanted to ask her what part she didn’t understand.

After I took a couple of deep breaths (not loudly) I turned around my thinking about her. She must have decide to try to convince the clerk to take back her items rather than go to another long line up. She is entitled, isn’t she? The stores are crazy this time of the year and you can't blame a girl for trying.

You can make any experience a positive one or a negative one. It is all in how you relate to that event. Exploding tantrums (in my head) aside, on the whole a pretty great day.

Day 2 - Speechless

Finding my way. 

I’ve become more aware of my thoughts as they appear.  My thoughts are currently being routed through a couple of levels of ego filter security (EFS).  When a thought enters my mind at the first level it is asking for permission to speak.  If it is allowed and not dismissed it continues to the second level in the process the (dis)mental phase.   This is where I pick apart the thought and determine its true intention. This process takes just seconds but I am totally aware of the varying stages my thought goes through before it appears in spoken word.  This might seem like an arduous process but it is making me more aware of my true intentions and permits me to let go of all expectations and control. 

Not surprisingly, today I actually paused so much before speaking that I was silent pretty much most of the day.  Many times over the course of the day I dismissed so many thoughts opting to say nothing. 

Finding balance. 

We interviewed a young article student today.  I prepared myself and was very careful in how I approached the meeting.   I wanted to ensure my intent was to listen to the student with an open mind.  I also wanted to really be objective and offer the best feedback that would serve her needs as a student as well as the needs of the firm. Before each question I filtered my thoughts being careful to not control the process and allowing it to flow freely.  At the end of the interview I was pleased with the results. 

Being mindful of every thought is difficult and there were times I just wanted to blurt out something, but I bit my tongue.  Someone give me a medal or something!  

Day 1 - Silence is Golden

You might ask, why I am doing this, or maybe not.  This came about because someone close to me said in frustration that I was always critiquing him.  And, as I reviewed our conversation in my head I concluded that I was wrong and he was right.  Whoa! This is a big realization to come to because anyone who knows me, will tell you I am always right  always considerate.  I digress.

He said you even criticized how I eat, "it seems I can't even eat right"!  In selfdefense, really he can't, in my opinion. He unconsciously shoves food into his mouth even when there is still food bulging out his cheeks. And I felt compelled to bring his attention to the moment, thinking I was doing a good thing.  See what I mean, day one and I am still defending my actions.  Still wanting to be right.

I realized that my actions were based on being right and about control (my control). And it follows that if I am right, then someone must be wrong. My relationship with the world was that I was always right, and maybe for the most part I was tried to be, but at who's expense? Deep breath! Sigh! Deep breath!

People have to come to self awareness on their own terms and at their own pace.  True self growth is an internal process and an individual journey.

I have no doubt it is going to be really difficult to hold my tongue because my ego is going to have some serious problems with this new me. I'm up for the challenge, so step aside ego. Yip, going forward I release my need to be right.  Easier said than done.

Within moments of making this challenge I find myself in a quandary. I find myself wanting to say things, give opinions, nag a little, but then I stopped myself. I am biting my tongue and it hurts. Will I even have a tongue left at the end of 2011!!!

Today Jehovah Witness came to my door. I knew who they were as soon as I saw them get out of their car and walk up the path to the door. Okay, I said to myself this will be good practice. I smile and let them say what they came to say all the while pushing aside the screaming voice inside my head. I smile. He said he wanted to tell me about the book of truth. The young man asks if he could come in to chat over tea. I smiled, clearly at this point I am having a struggle with myself as the dialogue in my head is really getting out of control. No, I am not interested, I say softly to him. He smiles. Then I say, I'm sure you have a lot to offer and know you the truth of your bible well. He gives me a pamphlet, smiles, and leaves. I wave at them as they drove away. Big sigh!

I am really proud of myself today. The old me would have enjoyed a dialogue and discussion about his truth. But who is to say that my truth is anymore valid?

It is clear that I must work on my internal dialogue there is way too much going on up there.  Talking in my head and no words passing my lips.  Awww, silence is golden I can hear them saying.  I can see this is going to be a long and bitter battle.